As a follow-up to yesterday’s post talking about depression and the struggles I went through, I wanted to talk about my healing process. It all started with self.I finally got to a point where I hated where I was. I was emotionally unstable and I felt I was letting myself down. I would look at papers and tests and realize if I showed up to all of my classes, I could have passed that class. If I would have just tried, I could have done better than not doing at all, but I didn’t. I found myself in a weird trap of perfectionism where I would rather fail from not trying than try and fail. That way I could say it wasn’t my talent. I also had a weird habit of making it to work, to not let my co-workers down, but not showing up to class. I was caught in only wanting to hurt myself, never to harm others. So, I would smile to everyone’s face while dying on the inside.
My first goal was to be honest with myself. That was the first lesson I learned because most people are afraid to face the person in the mirror. Sometimes we lie to others to convince ourselves that what we are doing in right. We always care the most compared to anyone in the room, and that’s what scares us.
So, I spent time asking myself, what do I feel? Why do I feel this way? Can I improve this feeling? How can I relieve some of this pressure? It was difficult but as I started to become more honest with my feelings, the clearer my mind became.
I was talking to an old adviser that told me that my limits were all self-imposed. He told me to start running. He was an avid runner. He said you would be amazed by what your body could do if your mind tells it so. So, I started running.
I ran daily. First a mile. Then two miles. Then I started hitting three or more in one run. I started to feel that I was overcoming obstacles, but the most important the haze cleared even more. I spent one day making a chart for my classes so that I could keep up with life and things started to fall into place. But, it was like me juggling balls or spinning plates.
I started to get into a rhythm. I would go to the gym two times a week at first. Then, it kept improving. I got addicted to my workouts and my schedule was falling into place. My next goal was to sleep. I got tired of late nights and early mornings. So, I set up my time in a way that I was supposed to be in bed by 11pm. It honestly was the first time since I had been in college to be in bed by midnight. It was a great feeling.
This whole metamorphosis also had a social aspect. I met an amazing woman who really motivated me to do what I said I would do. She wanted to learn from me and I couldn’t let her down. I fell deeply in love, but it was better having someone to catch you also. I also started to develop a friend group of people who I stressed the search for success with. But, we always knew how to party after the business was done.
I finally got to a point where I started to realize the importance of business before pleasure. Getting you work finished as fast as you can so you can enjoy yourself later became a model. I ended up redeeming my grades and succeeding more than I ever imagined.
Eventually, I started to realize as my focus shifted to doing what I enjoyed AND what I needed. The haze almost vanished. I was shocked how good my life became and I didn’t even realize. It all started with small steps. I tried new things until something worked. Now, when things don’t shape up the way I’d like them to, I take what I love and leave what I hate. It worked pretty well so far, and I keep adding more positive habits. My most current goal: to write more and each day I feel more fulfilled with myself. Self-fulfilling prophecy works both ways. You can be a success.
That’s it for today. Thank you everyone for reading. Please feel free to leave comments, questions, stories, ideas for future posts, and opinions below.