I completely had a different post ready to put up but I had a series of epiphanies and God gave me a potential answer to a question I’ve been wrestling with for months. It may not work out this way but God wants me to share this moment, uncertainty and all, to be a future testimony for His greatness.
Two weeks ago I was struggling with my depression, anxiety, fear, and lack of motivation. One day depression would be front and center, while anxiety chose next. I’ve been struggling with what I want to do for the rest of my life, classes, where do I want to live, housing, social connections, finances, and mental acumen. I don’t know what to do about any of them and have no control over the outcomes. I finally reached a point where I gave up fighting by myself.
This is not to say that I haven’t been struggling. I’ve been trying to catch up on my academic work that was trapped behind my 90-page writing wall while managing new revelations about the way my high-functioning ADHD has been hiding in plain sight. I came to realizations about the soundness of my academic writing and now have goals I want to address. I panicked and was frustrated all weekend looking at my portfolio for edits and the due date is upon me. I knew the wall was returning and I couldn’t face it alone anymore.
I decided to rely on God. I picked up complete abstinence to remove distractions. I haven’t been actively seeking anyone since my break-up a while ago, but I find myself being too preoccupied with lust or the lack of a relationship with another person. I swore off drinking with only four times applicable this year for celebrations. I started to fast once a week on the “proposed” Sabbath days from the Bible. I have started to listen to my devotionals in the morning, read my bible verses in the evening, and actively say a prayer every night. Even last week writing completely on God was done on purpose to stop relying on what I can do and focus on Him.
I’ve been waiting for His peace, strength, comfort, and guidance to help me through this time and I started to get frustrated as the wall got bigger and nothing seemed to be working. I was turning to my bible instead of my vices and friends, but I still felt unrest. I still felt alone. I still was tired. I reached out to my friends to ask for encouragement but nothing. I asked so many people to pray for me and nothing. Today, I even listened to a devotional that directly related but I still was unsettled.
In Touch Ministries “Confidence in the Midst of Distress” – Dr. Charles Stanley:
Around 8 minutes onward hit me hardest. God wanted me to get know Him personally and spend time with Him. Dr. Stanley clearly defines what I was going through. I was struggling, fighting, and striving by myself against the world when God wanted me to let Him in.
Here’s where I share what I feel that God is working out in my life in front of my eyes. It may not be exact or correct at all. But, I am sharing my faith in Him, my hopes that this is His will, and opening an opportunity to attest to His will in my life. If this turns out to not be His will, I will update and show where else He is leading me. My life is an open book.
Since January, I had an opportunity for a housing situation for next year. My current roommate is graduating so I had to find something new. A new friend that is in undergraduate and I found a house that can house four to five people. It has one large room upstairs that would go to me with its own bathroom. I’m excited about it but it was too expensive for all the guys to live in during the summer. Monday, my potential roommate called telling me that she’s willing to cut the rent down by half during the summer months to make it easier on us.
Since this fall I have been debating between Ph.D or going into the workforce after I finish my graduate work. I have been juggling potential locations, schools, programs, and career pathways with no conclusion in sight. I’ve been stressing because I don’t want to move home. Yet, I don’t feel confident enough about the direction I want the workforce. I’ve had four confirmations from four different sources about becoming a professor that God couldn’t have been clearer. Today, a professor overheard me saying I made up my mind and said I can skip my second year in my Master’s program and go directly for my Ph.D.
Finally, I have been looking for a graduate assistantship that would be in another area I am passionate in. My time working for the Town of Chapel Hill has been life changing but I question if town management is 100% for me. I applied for a position with the McNair program helping the McNair scholars. I interviewed two weeks ago and I should be finding out this week. If I get the position, it could extend past one year to as long as I am a student.
This all translates into if this is God’s will. I will be in an environment that will be consistent in housing, goal, finance, and direction. I won’t need to question if this is where He wants me planted and be able to comfortably branch out and develop my leadership knowing that this will be my community for some time. I can focus on getting stronger and mastering myself (mentally and physically) while developing a stronger relationship with Him.
I am not saying that this is what He is going to do, but he took away all my worries and now I am leaving it up to Him. “Thy will be done” and I am okay with that. I am not in a rush to move to the next step. I will rest in Him instead of striving by myself. I have peace and trust in Him.
In the midst of distress, what do you do? What coping mechanisms have you used in the past? (Good or Bad) Any skills that you want to develop more? Any that you want to leave behind? Leave your comments in the section below.
P.S. Wish me good luck/Pray for me