As a moment of clarity, I’m mentally struggling right now. I’ve hit a wall all semester about self-worth, anxiety, motivation, depression, self-care, writer’s block, fear, and everything else. I’m blessed beyond belief to be at an amazing school like Chapel Hill in amazing programs, but I can’t help but feel lost, unprepared, and weak.
Part of me just wants to break down and cry because I feel like I am out of my league, swimming in an ocean so far away from shore. I feel like I did so well in undergrad. I was on top of my game, and now I look at myself, my performance, and my position in life and wonder if I’m even the same person. Why am I struggling so hard? Why are things not working? Not just situations with classes but even my mind. Why didn’t someone tell me there will be times when you’d just shut off and nothing will come?
I come to the conclusion that I just want to love myself. My personal goal for this year and frankly, the rest of my life, is to learn how to love myself. I didn’t even realize I did not until everything that kept me moving faded away. I felt like nothing without a relationship, extra close family, and friends to be an active motivation. Whether it was through me being an example for them, motivationally pushing them, or pushing myself to make them proud, I felt hollow.
The hard part is finding the solution. I’ve been trying my hardest to feel the embrace of the Lord. I’ve been burying myself in my Bible to learn about Him, so I can learn about myself. I talked about names but the deeper root is knowing who I am. I search for clarity about my existence and purpose in God because I was denied that knowledge through family disarray and a fallout of slavery (not knowing your ancestry).
Part of me has started to feel better about this time of strife in my life because I would not have known my weaknesses or how feeble I was without this experience. I also feel like I would have eventually either self-destructed under the weight of my own self-imposed expectations or collapsed when those networks eventually fade, like they often do. I’m tired of feeling tired and alone on an island so I don’t break everything.
How to Be a Friend to Yourself:
I realized that I can’t even love myself if I don’t learn to be a friend to myself first. I am ten times harder on myself than everyone else is. I beat myself up for being lazy or unfocused at times when everyone goes through it. It’s okay, I’m human and there is nothing wrong with being human. It just means that I am worthy of love, peace, and time just like everyone else.
Have you felt this way before? Any ways to do away with the bad thoughts? Let me know in the comments below.
Shine On friends! Shine on!