Singlehood and solitariness. My initial conversation with God brought me to a point of frustration with the way I interacted with the world. I felt so dependent on others for my motivation that when I didn’t have them, I collapsed. Why was it so hard to look in the mirror and love what I saw?
A couple of days ago, I bought a book called Living Single by Tony Evans. I bought it looking for a black Christian male perspective on singlehood. I wanted something talking about the experiences, struggles, and how to learn comfort in yourself with/through God. Evans did talk about many things that connected but there was an inherent flaw with the book in my eyes.
The entire first chapter called, “Waiting on the Lord” spent all of its time focusing on being single in contrast to being married. He talked about why singles should be celibate, sex’s spiritual connection, being single versus being married, waiting for God to tell you who and when, and a lot of things that boiled down to singlehood being defined as the opposite of being married. The entire first chapter focused on the person in relation to/and in search of, a mate.
The second chapter focused more on the things I connected with such as searching for your calling, how being single can be a part of God’s mission for you, and focusing on Him instead of other people. This seemed more pertinent but then it went right back to talking about waiting for the Lord’s timing to get married in the final chapter. I do think all these ideals are important, but I found myself craving a book talking about how you fall in love with yourself and become comfortable without thinking of anyone else.
I want to remember how to be thankful for each day again. I want to go back to the point in my life where I didn’t really want or need anybody else. I don’t want to be jealous of my friends in relationships. I want to be solid in who I am and truly enjoy my own company. I don’t want to be seeking love. I want to be content with the simple moments I’m in instead of focusing on how to make bring somebody else along. I want someone else’s company to be a bonus, not a necessity.
I’ve decided that my goal is to embrace my time communicating with God. I really want to see how wonderful He and His works are. I want Him to teach me His peace and how to love myself. I have a renewed desire to travel and see the world. He gave me even more direction with Everything’s Magnificent and the YouTube page (coming soon). I also am going to write a book about the whole experience. “How I learned to love myself” or something like that. I really want to define who I am without looking to media, friends, family, or a loved one. I am free to define me. Magnificent me.