I graduated in 2015. Life was good. I was happy and comfortable with life. It was weird. I thought I had everything under control. I had a grip on where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be. So many things made since then. Fast forward to today and I’ve been brought to my knees.
Mental Health issues, spiritual conundrums, career confusion, financial pressure, academic disinterest, and interpersonal relationship turmoil has swept up my last two years. Adulting literally seems like it’s filled with so many hidden things that you never knew to even care about. I’m still trying to figure out how to triangulate my true credit score from all three different companies.
In the midst of searching for everything else to even out, I’ve become immensely more confident in my spiritual life. I am so proud and happy about my growth and this calm that my spiritual development has brought into my life. However, for me to have gotten to this point, I had to completely bottom out.
No more support network of mentors and friends I built over the previous ten years. No more grandmother that was there for me my entire life. No more relationship to keep me going when I ran out of gas. No more big man on a small campus to keep my ego in pristine condition. No more of the things that I built to hold me up. I was left alone. Me, myself, and God.
Now, I realized that I wasn’t as ready for the world as I thought. Yes, I am in a better place than so many people my age or from my neighborhood but I realized I know so little about the world. Whether it’s a deep understanding of taxes or how to buy a house, how can I promise to make a good partner for someone if I can’t even love myself. I haven’t figured out how to overcome my own anxiety or a clue about what I’m good at. I thought I was ready to go to the next level. I was ready to save the princess, only to find out she was in a different castle.
God has a funny way of taking away all of the distractions in your life so that you will listen to Him. He took away almost every friend and every relationship I began to rely on. Grandmother, girlfriend, best friends, mentors, mentees, and everyone in between, gone. Here I am, out of people to lean on, only left with prayer. Me, my Bible, and a bunch of questions.
I had a talk with a professor last week about my future and fear of writing. She told me her story and I felt better. She told me how she didn’t know how to write halfway through her Ph.D. and she is one of the most amazing professors I know. How do people figure out these things? She says she took her time and learned the hard way. I appreciate that and now I realize that even the most admirable of people, are just stumbling their way through life.
I am just now building my basic understanding of finances. I am just now gaining a grip on my mental capacity. I am just now processing my emotional barriers and figuring out how to express myself in a healthy manner. I am finally getting the help I need to be a whole man who I can bring into a healthy relationship. I am just now letting the pretenses go for what I “should” do with my life. I am just now building the foundation so that when I finally am ready for a serious relationship, I can truly be a pillar of support for my future family. I still need time. I’m still working and learning. Most of all, I’m still a work in progress. It’s okay, you can be too.
Turn your Brightness Up!